i Like
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I talk too much and yet I talk too little. I'm eighteen going on nineteen and you could know me forever but never know me.

I love to smile.



year 2010
g2 license
breathing



i want
juicy couture
juicy black cargo velour pants
juicy charm bracelet
cream white or brown balenciaga...
habituals dark skinnies
j brand cigarette skinnies
my lost silver headband :(
birdcage wedges
haircut
air ticket to singapore
hope

lor mee
beetaimak
and other good eats right now.


i can't stand
people who are late (comme moi)
people who think they're cool
people who think they're not cool
people who think they're fat
people who try to be like people


iTalk


i Stalk
Anneliese
Brynn
Christabel Chua
Clemence
DawnHo
Feng Yuan
HannKenn
Harvard
Ilissa
Jessie
Julia Foo
Katrina
Mathilde
Nicolette
Rachel
Sarah
Sihui
Stephanie
Tiffany
Timothues aka Timmy
Xing Hui
Yanting

hosted by DiaryLand.com



i forgot
I've forgotten how many clothes I have. - 2010-07-07
Nima - 2010-06-16
he doesn't get it. - 2010-06-09
into the dark - 2010-06-09
I want to drop out of school. - 2010-06-05


i thank
designer DancingSheep
brushes + +


I've forgotten how many clothes I have.
2010-07-07 6:47 p.m.
I'm so used to 3 shirts and a few shorts that everything I've left behind is scaring me.

And I'm only at my mom's. I don't want to think about that giant camp bag under the stairs at Lisa's.

I haven't really written here in a very long time. I've kept a travel journal for all of my trip, which I think is good. I tracked everything, and I feel like it has made me closer to myself.

I'm trying really hard to catch up with life, what with Qcard, researching courses, doing OSAP, applying for grants/scholarships, getting settled with MCRC, going back to work...

School has always been one of the most important things to me. It has been the one thing that has pushed me, kept me going, no matter what - because I always knew that school was the only way I would ever be able to create the life I wanted for myself. Successful, changing the world, and never, ever having to worry about money again.

But what is changing the world? Everyone says they want to change the world it's almost a joke now to hear it.

I'm starting to feel like none of that really matters anymore. What's so important about money? A very large part of me wants to quit school and this society and spend the rest of my life living and volunteering in places where the world and the people are real. People tell me that this is something I will get over but I know I will never truly feel right about it.

I am back in Toronto and feeling very surreal, and very tempted to throw out/donate everything I own - which, once I've started to, have realized that it is a LOT. Why do I have so much crap? I've had all this crap all along and have always felt empty and sad; all I had in Asia was barely any underwear and myself and I felt more complete than ever.

I'm really wishing I dedicated all 4 months this summer to Asia while I still could. I said I have to come back to work but I know the larger reason had to do with Allister. But I know it's good I'm back - I'm quite behind with school and life stuff and I'm scrambling just to catch up. Minimum wage suddenly seems like a lot of money and 40 hour work weeks seem like nothing - I am going to work as much as I can and save.

It's hard to imagine that not so long ago I was a mess; why, I'm not so sure. It's so strange reading myself 2 months ago because it honestly feels like I'm watching a typical North American, developed society person. I feel like throwing everything I own away because it's all so useless - it doesn't feel like me anymore and it's all material that just...sits there.

I want to take a year off or more; but I know it is so risky. I don't know how I'm going to walk back into this commerce elitist competitive society when none of it means anything to me anymore. The only factor I have that's pushing me is that I know, and the world knows, that this superficial stuff does matter. I need school and I need the opportunities to be successful - because without money, power, or status, I am as helpless as anyone else and I am not fulfilling my ability to give. It would be selfish to quit now.

My birthday is in less than a week and it doesn't feel like it. Before, I was deciding to spend it here or in Singapore and I chose here, but I am really regretting it now...the FIFA finale is at midnight in Singapore and all of my cousins are getting together - it would've been a giant ass cake. And the Zouk flea is on the 11th. I don't miss the insanely high cost of living in Singapore but I do miss the family and friends I left behind. I need to go back more often. It is time and the things that happen in life that really show you who matters. I left behind so many close connections and best friends, and was afraid of returning because I felt ashamed of how much I had changed and the effort I didn't put into maintaining those relationships. But they welcomed me with open arms and so much love; people I have grown up with, not changing and I'm still able to tell them anything at all. It is still far from my birthday and I have already blown out candles on two cakes.

I think the stupidest I feel is because of the relationships that I DO put so much of myself in. Like with all of the romantic relationships I've had. I know why I do so, and I can always fucking hear Angelo's voice in my head telling me to take it slow, one step at a time, and make them deserve your efforts. I was sad about Allister for a total of one day, and have been pissed ever since. I feel so cheated of my feelings and efforts above everything and all of the reasons he gave honestly makes me feel like it was bound to happen anyways. I really don't even think it's about the fucking kiss. I feel as though he always had this hesitant bit in him, and never really fully trusted me or let himself because of the impression he had of me. So it doesn't really matter what I did or said from day 1 to try to change it and show him, it wasn't going to change because he wasn't going to let it. It makes me angry how someone could be so selfish. I understand putting yourself first, and I put myself first as well, but there are different ways of doing so.

How can you justify putting yourself first if you didn't love yourself first? I am often a spiteful person and I know my spite only comes from not loving myself; the same applies with jealousy and envy. After listening to all he had said I really felt like it was bound to happen anyways, and the issues weren't something I could fix if he didn't want to, which he didn't. Which really just confirms the whole fucking thing in the very beginning where I felt like he was the kind of person that runs the minute shit happens. Small shit, big shit, diarrhea, invisible shit. I feel so stupid for believing everything he had said to me before and trusting so much in the relationship. I feel so cheated for putting so much effort into it, loving him, and showing it in each and every way. I feel like I was his stupid charity case from the very beginning, yet intriguing and entertaining to have by his side at the same time. What the hell was I to you? How can you tell someone you love them when ...goddamn so many things. I am so angry, but I know I need to let it go, because it's not worth getting worked up over; nothing is. Plus I always have this guilt conscience that makes me want to chase after them with a giant gesture and make everything right again like a fairytale.

I wonder what he told his family. Probably that I cheated on him. Then I can sound like the bad one. It's like retail. You do so many good things and it's always the one mistake that overshadows everything.

& bernice signed off @ 2010-07-07 6:47 p.m.